One step closer.

Doubts.
It's like cancer.
It's like a viral disease.
That can spin you out of control.

Fall,
Down, down and down
Into one sickness
You gasp and you try
To catch a breath
You can't.

Arms flailing
Legs kicking
Trying to grasp whatever
things that are within reach.

You can't even begin
to understand
what is happening.

Then you saw that smile.

First time datang Monash.

Januari, 2009

Mata aku sembap. Bengkak sebab menangis. Asal teringat je, berjurai air mata. Kalahkan suami mati, baru breakup ke hape. Pertama kali aku rasa demotivated yang amat sangat. Rasa macam nak benam kepala dalam tanah, taknak keluar keluar dah. Biar la tertonggeng aku kat tanah tu sorang-sorang. Hati aku pecah seribu. Kekesalan, erti penyesalan semua dah terconteng-conteng kat otak aku. Aku malu. Malu nak pandang muka abah mama yang letak harapan tinggi. Malu nak angkat muka sekalipun. Malu kepada diri sendiri. Sedih sangat. Sedih sebab rasa macam impian aku terbang hilang sekelip mata. Snap your fingers, blink once, and poof, it's gone. Just like that.

Maka menapak lah aku menghadap yang berkenaan mohon pertimbangan yang sewajarnya given our special circumstances. Tapi rayuan aku tak berjaya. Aku senyum. Senyum dalam tangisan. Senyum walaupun hati tercucuk-cucuk, terobek-robek, tercincang halus boleh buat mincemeat untuk kuah spaghetti bolognaise. Aku pasrah. Apa nak jadi, jadilah. 

Posmen sampai. Surat aku terima. 

"Maaf, rayuan anda ke luar negara tidak diluluskan. Anda sebaliknya akan melanjutkan pelajaran ke Monash University, Kampus Bandar Sunway."

Fine, aku cakap. Whatever, bentak hati aku. Nasib baik masih boleh sambung belajar, pujuk otak yang kesian kat hati tak habis-habis memprotes dan menangis. 

Berminggu-minggu jugak lah aku protes. Diam membisu. Asal orang sentuh je isu sensitif ni, mata mula lah bergenang. Cucuk lagi, terus jadi air terjun. Teruk betul.

Satu hari mama cakap kat aku, "Jom la tengok Monash campus tu macamana nak?" Cadangan nak pergi sama abah, tapi entah macamana aku boleh merajuk teruk pulak dengan abah pagi tu. Cadangan asal nak pergi tengok-tengok dari luar je, tapi entah kenapa bila dah sampai depan-depan, aku rasa macam nak masuk dalam. Ajak mama parking, dan kitorang pun masuk tercangak-cangak macam rusa masuk kampung. 

Pakguard direct kitorang ke Building 2, Marketing department. Jumpa dengan sorang friendly lady, terus bagi booklet pasal Bachelor of Business and Commerce. Aku belek-belek, baca-baca dan secara perlahan-lahan aku semakin rasa berkobar-kobar. Aku tiba-tiba rasa interested. Aku selak lagi. Aku nampak benda yang aku suka. Aku semakin interested. Aku mula betanya-tanya pada that friendly lady. Dari ekor mata aku, aku nampak mama mula senyum tengok aku bersemangat. Aku tengok Library and Learning Commons; "Cantiknya. Aku nak lepak sini hari-hari." Aku tengok sekeliling campus, aku tiba-tiba dapat bayangkan diri aku berjalan pergi ke kelas, ke lecture theatre, ke audi, ke cafe. I can picture myself being happy there.

Bila dah selesai brief information session, aku dan mama bergerak ke kereta semula. Dan tiba-tiba mama dropped the bomb;

"Aleen lupa ye, Aleen tak mandi lagi pagi tadi? Merajuk sangat dengan abah tadi sampai taknak turun kereta mandi kat laundry."

Damn, apa kebodohan diri sendiri ni? Nasib baik aku sempat gosok gigi dan basuh muka sebelum pergi laundry tadi. Padan muka aku, merajuk lagi dengan abah. HAHAHA

A love-hate relationship will always end in a love relationship, trust me =)

I love you Monash University, You made me happy here. 

Notakaki: Over gila aku cerita. Okbai.

Things are changing, I am too =)

As of 1st November 2011, I ended my life as a student, and will leave the books and studies behind, for a long time to come. Alhamdulillah and I hope that I successfully pass my exams with colours that fly off the wall *ok exaggerate*

Anyway, dah lama gila biar blog ni dormant. Biasa lettew, aku kan. Kehkehkeh. Busy study la uolss tak sempat mak nak hapdet hokay. Uolls janganlah marah mak, kelas giteww hak tuiii :P Ingatkan dah habis belajar ni boleh la nak relax, rupa-rupanya there are so many things to do! Truth is, I was so busy doing stuff that I keep on putting off updating this blog. Bukan apa noks, mak kan, kena ada environment yang sesuai nak taip-taip ni uolls. Ni kalau time menaip ada orang terjenguk-jenguk intai-intai, rasa nak cepuk pun ada. HAHAHA =) Gurau je ye sayang oi :P

I am currently trying to figure out what I wanna do with my life. When I finally finished my studies, and completed my final paper the other day, there is some profound relief that washed over me. But at the same time I also feel quite lost, as in I am not certain of what I will be looking at in the future. However, I always say this to myself when I am feeling uncertain;

"It's either to do what you love and be good with it, or do what you need to do and excel in it. Same results anyway."

Your choice. I repeat, your OWN choice. I mean, if I keep on complaining about hard times, hard subjects, personal problems, and don't try to adapt to the situation and change things so that instead of turning against me, they are WITH me then I guess it won't solve the problem. I try bitch about my problems for a while, and then try and face them, without any more complaining. 

Wah macam kaunseling gitewww aku nih.

Thing is, aku pegang kepada kata-kata orang bijaksana yang mengatakan bahawa, "Hidup mesti ada matlamat, dan bukan bergantung kepada luck and chance semata-mata." But right now aku takde letak any specific goal for my future. On a further note however, the only thing that is constant is change. Meaning that change will always happen. Maka aku harus tak perlu rigid sangat dengan plan hidup, okay aleensie? =)

Notakaki : Expect the best out of yourself, and demand nothing but the best from yourself.

Spontaneous Thursday - Overdose Sweetness.

Daisies :)